I currently sit in the armpit of Eric Chevalier. This is thanks to a free-thinker who thought they were benefiting society by shopping at Whole Foods and developing the stand up desk with abandoned Ikea furniture.
Our office recently gave everyone the option to get a stand up desk or to continue using chairs. This put me and my desk neighbor Eric in an awkward position, but mostly it put me at eye level with any object that rolls across the edge of his desk and into my forehead. As a result, over the last three months I have documented my coworkers with stand up desks to reveal the truth about taking a stand. Here are some of disadvantages I have noticed: (Note – All of the photos below were taken unknowingly over the course of three months. Dedication.)
1. Set Up
Building a piece of furniture from Ikea is about as stressful as taking the ACT. Except with the ACT you are guaranteed that the critical thinking nightmare won’t be longer than 4 hours. So unless you have an intern who will build the desk for you and measure your eye levels to guarantee optimal posture, stop. (So basically unless you have Spencer, which you don’t because we have him.)
2. Sidlers
Seinfeld introduced the “sideler” during its 162nd episode. A sideler is anyone who sneaks up behind you without you knowing. Refer to the pirated video below:
Because you are always standing, you are always in a vulnerable position for sidlers walking by. However, it could be argued that a professional sideler can commit to meeting various eye levels.
3. Full exposure to your feet.
Unless you have presentable shoes that also meet the comfort level needed to stand all day, stand up desks are not a good option for you. Vibram FiveFingers are also not a good option for you.
4. Nobody wants to stand all day.
This becomes a problem when you have a stand up desk. As a result, I have seen all sorts of strange solutions to avoid the discomfort.
Standing on an inflateable.
Denial that you have a stand up desk.
Denial that you are at work.
Benefits?
So far, I have only seen one benefit to the stand up desk discovered by Ellen Lu. And that is, there is more space to hang photos of good looking men. Slow clap goes out to Ellen for making lemonade out of lemons, and a beautiful montage out of a somewhat disfunctional color printer.
What’s Next
Although some of you may continue to deny that your stand up desk is killing your feet and that you schedule meetings for no reason other than to sit in a chair, others might be interested in more comfortable alternatives. Here are some new up and coming trends I have seen in the office:
I wish I had an explanation for this. I dont. Have you ever met someone for the first time and realized you were meant to do sub-par street interviews together?
At the time this seemed like a good idea. And since this was in fact the first time me and Daniel Rossi ever met in person, it didn’t seem weird at all to also film each other singing Taylor Swift with bongo drummers, street vendors, and some poster children for marijuana (see below). Regardless of how it happened or how awkward you will feel watching both these videos, let’s all be thankful that it did. Bless you Venice beach for putting your hearts into pop country, roller skating, and extensive basketball tutorials.
A special thanks to all the friends we made that day including but not limited to: Nunu, J-Swift (Check out his rap/tutorials on Black History at TupacRadio.com or follow him on Twitter), Jef Holm, Oliver from Austria, and Russ shooting the totes.
I wish I could say the picture above isn’t me kicking an ex-boyfriends black Audi in Ugg boots (more sorry about the Ugg boots.) I wish I could say that I never left 4-part voicemails, threw library books, or was straight up close-lined by a set of monkey bars while walking away from a break up. If someone asked, I would deny choking down tubs of ice cream while listening to Taylor Swift. I would also deny that my roommates ever had to play red rover with my Jeep to stop me from driving (in surgical boots) through a snow storm to win someone back. Enter image of surgical boots:
Although all these college stories are mortifying, I learned a lot over those years that may help women who are slowly transforming into hot messes as we speak. At the cost of my pride (as if I had any after showcasing a photo post bunion surgery), I am willing to admit what few women will. My name is Carly. I am 25-years-old. And I am an incredible ex-girlfriend.
Monstor Mash
In May 1962 Marvel comics introduced one of the greatest antiheroes of all time: The Hulk. Wikipedia describes him as mutated humanoid monster with an inability to control his rage.
He is also described as an emotional, impulsive alter ego of a withdrawn and reserved physicist. This makes him the comic book character most relateable to—-
Women and/or EX’s (I won’t be exclusive with this post. Looping in passionate males).
At this point you may be wondering… Why am I drawing a comparison between the hulk and emotionally unstable Taylor Swifts? Because Nerds in a basement somewhere were passive aggressively trying to help those struggling with separation anxiety via sharpie markers and this tiny gem of information:
Dr. Banner was able to find a way to control an overwhelming alterego by avoiding emotional triggers. These triggers were anything that caused: anger, terror, or grief.
To continue the service of Marvel, and to put my years of research to good use, I will be spelling out triggers to avoid. This is specific to anyone trying to get over a breakup in a way that limits their need for damage control later on.
Trigger 1: Social Media
Immediately delete the individual on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. etc. In extreme cases (ie: “the love of your life” or “the one who got away”) unfollow any of their close friends and family temporarily. It’s the same idea as trying to avoid finding out the ending of Downton Abbey before you get to watch it. Shield your eyes and unfollow anyone who is known for being a buzz kill when it comes to epic moments in historic dramas.
Over time you can win these privileges back, but for the immediate time being watching someone live while you are dying is never a good idea. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will want milk. If you give an emotionally unstable girl her ex-boyfriends profile on Facebook, she will will want to read every comment from other girls and question their friends in common for details. It’s like a slow motion train wreck. I have seen entire breakdowns over scenarios made up from reading one 140 character tweet.
Trigger 2: Saying Sorry
A street performer in LA (surprisingly very credible life mentors) once told me, “Don’t be sorry. A sorry person is a sad person.” I believe it. If you did something wrong, say it once. Make it epic. Chase him down in the rain, show up on his doorstep, get edgy and vandalize a freeway overpass by poking millions of plastic red cups through a chain link fence to spell out the word “SORRY.” Make sure he knows you mean it. After that move on.
You accept the love you think you deserve and by repeatedly apologizing you create an idea that you don’t deserve forgiveness or much of anything. Over time this will do damage to your self-esteem and change you into a person you don’t recognize.
Trigger 3: Staying Friends
By far the worst part of breaking up is losing a best friend. And not like a Homeward Bound lost my best friend in the wilderness kind of way. More like a Men in Black my best friend was possessed by an alien type of way.
You may be experiencing hulk tendancies, but the breakup-ee goes through major metamorphic changes as well. But to be honest, it doesn’t matter what strange things he/she is doing to compensate for what happened. What matters is that their relationship to you has changed. They may look the same, they may even act the same around you at different times, but they are not the same person that they were with you before they decided to call it quits. Nor can they go back to that point.
But why can’t you still be friends?
You can. I am not saying you can’t. I am friends with two of my ex’s and we often laugh about the times we ripped each other’s hearts out over brunch. But it takes time. And if you don’t give it enough time, you will find yourself having to repeatedly start all over in the recovery process. I once had a former boyfriend ask me “how long till we can be friends?” Unfortunately, there is not a timeline. For some people it’s two weeks I have seen other’s still recovering three years later. Here is a way to gauge “How long.”
It hasn’t been long enough if:
You are having to “work on your relationship.” (You are not in a relationship. You are friends. A good friendship requires little to no effort.)
You can’t talk about each other’s love lives.
If they are inconsistent with how they treat you.
You are frustrated more often than you are laughing after hanging out and are distracted when they don’t text you back.
You pretend you are dating other guys, but would fail a pop quiz about the names and occupations of all the people you recently went on dates with.
It has been long enough if:
You have dated multiple people since.
If they asked you if you wanted to get dinner you would go unshowered and suggest taco bell.
Can laugh about how much you hated or still hate each other.
Only think about them when you are with them.
Think more about your good times together than your bad.
Could go to their wedding and hug their other half with the right amount of pressure.
I Gotta Go My Own Way
I hate telling people what they can’t do without telling them what they can. In closing, here are things you can do that are not triggers that do help.
Sleep. There is a reason people tell you to “sleep on it.” Bad decisions involving Damien Rice lyrics as your Facebook status, were never made with a good amount of ZZZZ’s. If you can’t sleep exercise until you can. I recommend Richard Simmons work out tapes for obvious reasons.
Hang out with people who are funny.
Help someone else out. My Dad once told me “If it is too hard to be in your world, put yourself in someone else’s.” Distract yourself by doing good for someone else.
Surround yourself with men who treat you well and say nice things about you. Even if it’s just your nephew. And you paid him in M&M’s.
Stop focusing on what you don’t have and look at what you do. They make movies like Win a Date with Tad Hamilton for a reason. There is almost ALWAYS a guy best friend who has been there all along. Turn around and kiss. his. mouth.
Start over: Get a haircut, buy converse high-tops, rearrange your room, put up poster’s of strong female roles (Stevie Nicks, Carley Simon, Robyn, etc.), and channel your energy to start a new life or start dancing like this:
So there you have it. The best tips I can give when it comes to going your own way.
If you need a support team, you know where to find me and Vanessa.
The first time I realized my coworker was an extreme foodie was when he spent 10 minutes breaking down the elements of what makes a good popsicle. Turns out that if you want to know everything there is to know about the ideal frozen sugar-free fruit freeze, there is a foodie for that. His name is John Liu. And he graduated when he was 15. Meaning he learned how describe his upper-class palette with words like texture, umami, and froth at the same age that I was inhaling frosty covered chicken nuggets.
Since, it is not healthy to let him keep pacing by my desk and thrusting his forehead into his palms out of frustration of my eating habits, I agreed to do a food challenge. And in honor of the greatest tumblr of all time selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com, I will be illustrating the entire post incorporating Tom Selleck, waterfalls, and this weeks feature: the Fluffer Nutter sandwich. Without further adieu meet John Liu
The Foodie – John Liu
My favorite CarlyBird.com blog post is How To Fit in With a Colony of Vegetable Lovers. This post has everything – great cover image, hilarious anecdote, and then… a list of “Gasps” that I happened to be a part of.
I gasped when Carly brought her tv dinner for lunch, and again when she was so enthusiastic for McDonald’s. Not because I’m a healthy eating nut, but because I’m a foodie. I love good food – it’s really important to me that to make as many meals as possible a great experience.
The Tragedy
Meals are opportunities to delight your senses – and you only get so many of them. You’re only really in charge of your own food after you’re an adult with a stable income, and there’s always going to be times you’re just too busy or too broke. So, in reality, you only get to control what you eat for about 15,000 meals in your lifetime. To some people, that’s a lot. To me, that’s a depressing limit.
Coming from this mindset, it’s shocking to me how many people (like Carly) just throw away their opportunities to have a delicious meal, settling for something bland or generic.
The Challenge
So, we bring you the Carly Bird Food Challenge. I’m going to challenge Carly to eat a variety of different things. Some of them I expect her to like, for others “hopeful” would be a better word.
Episode 1: The Fluffernutter Sandwich
For the first week, I figured we’d start off with something easy that we could make in Carly’s kitchen that she’s almost guaranteed to like. I picked a regional specialty from where I grew up in Southern New England – the Fluf fernutter Sandwich.
Marshmallow Fluff, also known as marshmallow creme, is a sweet, spreadable marshmallow-like confection – more or less spreadable sugar. It was popularized in Somerville, MA – a small suburb of Boston – and has become a regional tradition, right up there with clam chowder, lobstah rolls, and the New York System.
and the city of Somerville responded by starting an annual Fluff festival.
Fluff is most popularly eaten as part of a Fluffernutter Sandwich – a sandwich of white bread, fluff, and peanut butter. It’s like a PB&J, except with Fluff. Sweeter, chewier, and still (kind of) delicious. These sandwiches are actually a little too sweet for my palate, but I figured it’d be a great fit for the recipient of the Choco Slurry.
The Review- Carly Bird
I don’t know how to do a food review other than saying I endorse this sandwich. It’s super easy to make and packed with sugar. The marshmellow fluff had the perfect amount of froth to make this creamy textured sandwich delish. I would give this selection a 10.
Help John Liu help me by listing any food ideas for next time below or just comment with your feelings about Tom Selleck and the Fluffer Nutter.
John Liu graduated when he was 15 and is a mastermind in the world of SEO, digital advertising, and Dungeons & Dragons. He is a foodie at heart and substitutes drinking water with eating popsicles. Follow him!
People Magazine Punishes Ryan Gosling for Not Reading CarlyBird
It was announced this morning that Ryan Gosling was once again snubbed by People Magazine as Sexiest Man Alive. The only explanation for People Magazine not giving the award to these abs:
This face
And the guy who engrained this romance into all women’s brains to torture them and leave them unsatisfiable through the rest of eternity.
Is that A) People magazine is jealous that it’s flimsy pages will never be as rock solid as his body or B) They still haven’t gotten over that Ryan Gosling didn’t respond to my tweet 3 months ago asking Ryan if he reads CarlyBird.com.
Let’s be honest with each other, both reasons are undoubtadly terrible (keep in mind I own this blog) and do not justify the injustice they caused when they refused a man that does not get refused.
GOSLING VOTED SEXIEST MAN ALIVE BY CARLYBIRD.COM
In light of what happened. This blog has officially voted Ryan Gosling as the Sexiest Man Alive. The 25 people a day who read this site have agreed that in fact it would be a failure to all womenkind to not jump on board #teamryan at this time.
Comment below if you need to vent or would like to jump on the #teamryan hashtag. If you are currently still on #teamjef from the bachelor ABANDON SHIP. You should never have jumped on board.
I met Jay Tibbitts at Freshmen orientation 2005 in Rexburg, Idaho. He was so hot I couldn’t help myself. Or at least that’s what I got from this poorly narrated video documenting one of our first conversations.
Back then, Jay was part of a college gang called the Turtles who was in rival with a gang I rolled with (literally) called the Scoots (we rode razor scooters to school.) Surprisingly, our relationship survived this My Little Ponies version of Romeo and Juliet and 7 years, 2 ankle touches, a game of footsie, and 1/2 a back rub later we are still friends with benefits.
As much as I wish I could say this post is about me and Jay Tibbitts, it is actually about another gang/band he joined 4 years later called Parlor Hawk and their Kickstarter for their second album.
Band Promotion?!?!
Yes, I sucked you in with a flaxen cord and a hint of a chick flick only to lure you into buying a t-shirt, album, and VIP backstage passes for life from a band in Provo, UT. But it’s in your best interest so hear me out.
You may be the type of hipster that needs no explanation and has a collection of music T’s documenting your loyalty to all bands raging against the record label machine. If so, props. Party on with that Burt Reynolds mustache. But there are other reasons you should support ridiculously good looking musicians and this is where I come in.
3 Reasons You Should Donate to the Parlor Hawk Kickstarter
1. Pay It Forward
I made a graph to show you how helping someone else follow their dream may in turn help you follow your own. Here is my ROI (Return on Investment) from being a dedicated PH band fan for the last 4 years.
Ironic, but Carly Bird came from a Parlor Hawk. If you are as emotional as me after taking this journey you can get a book of more Parlor Hawk memories by clicking here.
2. Romance
I use this term loosely because I haven’t in fact ever kissed a member of Parlor Hawk and because most the members are married to babes. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t find romance listening to their album you pre-ordered here on a velvet green couch backstage at Velour only accessible by buying the VIP access for life package found here.
It also doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of the private “drum lessons” with Jay offered here.
3. American Apparel T-shirts
I can’t tell you number of times a guy has complimented my Parlor Hawk T-shirt, said “I wish I had one it looks comfortable,” and then had an immediate desire to give me a back rub. If you are wearing silk, denim, or any fabric from Forever 21, consider your chances of a good cuddle session severely low in comparison to these gems.
Also, my good friend Kristopher Orr frequently Instagrams his T-shirt and has found that it get’s him more double-tap likes and women than any other photographed item of clothing.
Closing Statement
I could go on and on about reasons why you should stop getting frustrated with the Parlor Hawk ads running up your Facebook feed and start clicking on them (especially ones like these that are hilarious), but I would rather just sum it up with this.
Give some love/money to my friend Jay Tibbitts and his band because they sing great music, seduce great women, and would help you reach your dreams the same way you are helping them if they ever had the chance.
Support your local Parlor Hawk. Donate to their Kickstarter here.
I can’t name the number of times a woman has said to me, “I love him. Even though he wears cargo shorts and tennis shoes, I love him.”
I would like to make a bold statement.
Women. Women everywhere. I don’t believe you love him despite the cargo shorts, I believe you love him BECAUSE of the cargo shorts.
I said it. I am not taking it back.
Lets start from the beginning.
Why Cargo Shorts Were Taken Away
Thanks to an anonymous tip (ahem Russell) I don’t believe cargo shorts were taken away because of style issues. I believe they were taken off the “chic” list out of spite. Women designers were offended that men didn’t think girls looked sexy in the rompers they painstakingly tried to make popular. Yes. Because their terrible invention was banished to Forever 21 for not looking good on the majority of women, they retaliated by taking the most useful item of clothing men have and made them… shameful.
I am sorry. I am fighting back.
Three Reasons To Become an Advocate for Cargo Shorts
Reason 1: Storage Space
Let’s start with the obvious. The pockets on these shorts could fit an entire purse in them if need be, giving you the freedom to frolic through concerts, clubs, and rodeos (yes, looping in cowboys) without worrying about your wallet, iPhone, lipstick, etc. In summary, cargo shorts: no storage issues. Guy that is wearing the same pants as you: storage issues.
How many Eagle Scouts do you know that don’t own a pair of cargo shorts? How many wilderness-obsessed men have you met that have never experimented with the double or triple zip-off pant?
If there were a zombie apocalypse which one of these guys would you team up with to survive? Take some time out of your day to answer these questions for yourself.
Reason 3: Rage Against the Machine
If you are the type of woman that is attracted to rebels (every woman, so I am speaking to every woman right now.) You should realize that wearing a pair of cargo shorts with Nikes and socks is a bold statement. It’s a guy saying, “I am not like you and I don’t care if Vogue is throwing a fit right now.” It’s a guy that is actually rebelling against the majority unlike the hipster on your doorstep who begs to be unique by manipulating his facial hair but could literally cut himself out of an Urban Outfitters catalog.
To help you all appreciate men in cargo shorts I created a board of men in cargo shorts on Pinterest. Click here to solidify any remaining doubts you may have about this legendary menswear item.
Have a Strong Opinion About Cargo Shorts?
Comment below if you agree, disagree, or hate this blog.
The idea of hope is hard to swallow. Especially when it rests on another person’s shoulders.
It goes along with the cliche phrase “don’t get your hopes up,” and the idea that high expectations in others can only lead to great falls. It’s a skewed mindset, but it is easy to cave into. Unless you saw the idea of hope from a different frame of reference.
Enter City of Hope
Two months ago, I had the chance to take a tour of City of Hope. It’s an incredible cancer comprehensive center in Duarte, California that believes in not only healing the body, but the soul as well. One of the most interesting things about COH is that their hospital was purposely built across from the research center. Every day cancer patients sit in front of windows overlooking a courtyard and a building where scientists spend hours on end trying to find a cure. And every day researchers look across the same lawn to see the faces of the people who believe they can do it.
Hope is the fuel behind the patient’s drive to survive and the researcher’s drive to keep trying. It’s a high hope that chooses to believe more in another person than on possible outcomes or falls. It’s a high hope that in my opinion can become a game changer.
Enter This Video
Recently the agency I work for and COH teamed up to produce this film to raise awareness about the bone marrow registry. In the process we were smitten by the story and by Gavin.
This video is proof of how much we need each other and it’s proof that as my coworker put it life is “pretty damn precious.”
A month after this video’s first preview, I got in my car. I drove a couple hours away from my pride to fix a friendship that means the world to me. As I stood at the top of a windy ledge overlooking a lamp-lit city, I breathed for the first time, laughed with someone I hadn’t let myself laugh with in a long long time, and realized every day should be like this. I am snot-nosed. I am lucky. And life is too sweet to waste on anything less worthy than loving someone else. Regardless of what may come.
Two Things:
Help make more stories like Gavin’s possible by clicking here.
Let yourself love and care about the people you are blessed enough to have standing by your side.
The STOP-IT office memo came at 4:55 today during a rainstorm of keyboard “click-clicks” and space bar “slams.” The chorus of computer taps could have easily been caused by a group of office junkies frantically putting together reports, but the memo knew better. So did Google. Google knew exactly what it was doing when it created the greatest threat to office productivity of all time: THE OLYMPIC GOOGLE DOODLE.
Today’s was hurdles. Tomorrow’s is basketball. We don’t stand a chance. None of us do. When you take an average joe chained to a desk and give them a chance to become an Olympic hero in the click of a button, what do you think is going to happen? It can take months of work, even years for some people to get recognition at the typical office job. Google offers you a medal an OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL in less than 10 seconds for hitting a space bar super fast. Which do you think is going to win?
Time will be wasted. Jobs will be lost. And Google is laughing somewhere as it designs more Olympic Google Doodles that will sucker us all into thinking we have a shot at beating the guy in IT who treats street fighter as a second job.
Since there is nothing we can do about it, here are best practices for Google Doodling
1. Stay calm
When you get the g-chat from your co-worker that there is an Olympic Google Doodle act like you could care less. Keep your cool and try to pretend that you aren’t concerned about the cartoon athlete’s long torso and short legs. Miraculously enough, his body structure does not affect his performance doing hurdles.
2. Try not to click in patterns
While you are competing in the Olympic games try to click extra keys to throw everyone off.
3. Resist the urge to yell. Also, take screen shots.
When you reach victory (the best score in your office) don’t yell or attract attention. Take a screen shot so no one can question you and let your victory dance out with emoticons slapped all over an email chain.
4. Keep an open mind
The best tricks may come from other co-workers. Don’t let your pride keep you from trying the double-tap technique or the space bar instead of the ^ key. You can cut a couple seconds off your score (and company time) by learning from those around you.
Trick: one of the key findings we discovered today is that left-handed players can gain an advantage by turning their keyboard upside down. Adapt and conquer.
5. Don’t Sweat
Dead giveaway
6. Get it out of your system during your lunch break
After 5 minutes, if you suddenly find yourself on a downward spiral toward addiction, take your lunch break early. Use that time to secure a high score that will keep you from questioning your self-worth the rest of the day.
Best of luck to you all. May Google have mercy. Comment below with your best tricks and score. Obviously.
Tweet Cred
Currently trying to build up my tweet cred. If you feel like doing a good deed follow me at @Carly_Bird. One lucky follower will be chosen on Aug. 15th out of a drawing to win a gift certificate to POLLO LOCO.
